I have been suffering lately from a serious case of Bloggers Block...not just your typical, run of the mill - "I don't have anything to blog about", or "my life is soo busy, I can't even blog about it right now" type of block...but the "I completely have no desire to ever blog again...even if I did have something to say" or "I could blog about that, but I just don't want to"...sort of Bloggers Block. I have contimplated putting an end to the whole blog thing altogether. But alas I can't seem to pull the plug...perhaps like c jane enjoy it (a blog I often stalk...though I don't even know her...though I sometimes forget that little fact) stated in her last post..."My first baby was my dog, then it was my blog."...perhaps if I never blogged again it would be comparable to abandoning a child...(not really though)...and I could never do that.
or perhaps that is not it at all.
Perhaps it is the fact that I have always been a hesitant blogger...I have heard the scoffs and scorns (mostly by men...aka the husbandy types) who make fun of blogging and the motivations behind it...who believe that the blog world is full of phonies, weirdos, and people who disillusion themselves into thinking they have soo many friends...and yet we are all just strangers...Guilty! and Guilty! Like me and nie nie (who for months, not a day would go by without me mentioning her name, as though she was part of the family). Or like Sarah from the Apron Stage...(one of my most favorite blog stops and blogging addictions...ohh that stuff is rich!!), who's writing I thoroughly enjoy and who I like to imagine is my own friend...a real kindred spirit...or how I "know" people (albeit very casually in social settings)...and yet "KNOW" a lot more personally-type stuff, because I am a blog stalker - through and through...Jeremy is always catching me on the computer and one of his common questions is..."do you even know them?"...with that "your so crazy" look in his eyes.
or maybe it is the vanity that has accompanied my blogging...How I can be going about my day and then suddenly have thoughts like..."ohh, I should blog about this", run through my head...or worse yet, plan something around the whole premise of being able to blog about it later...guilty of both actually. Or the comments, ohh how I am addicted to comments on my blog...from family, friends, or better yet, people who I hardly know...ohh what a thrill the comments give me...how 1 comment or 2 comments is meh, but 7 comments or 8 comments...wow! "that was a brilliant post crystal!" Or how I take everything to heart...the occasional comment of "good writing"...has rekindled my fantasy of authoring a book...My writing aptitude test from the Institute of Children's literature literally should be here in the mail any day now...I actually have back-up blog post ideas...like the one where I would discuss my addiction with paint in more vivid detail...my fascination with color-wheels and paint swatches,the seductive names like "sapphire sparkle", "moonlight white", "powdery mist", "calico rose"...who is the genius behind all the thousands of names for the color white...which isn't even a color. Or how I like to combine paint to invent my own color and then try to imagine a name...like Benjamin Moores "Oregano" and "Blue Grass" I combined for the paint I used in Chaim's room...would I call it "Blue Oregano", "Grasseno" or "Blue Orass"...I think it best if I leave the paint-naming to the professionals...but I digress...just know that I have a whole list of potential blog posts just like that little morsel...but why???
or like today when Jeremy mentioned something and used the word "recalcitrant"...I was impressed by his fancy vocabulary and asked for the definition...partly to test him and partly for my own clarification. Well, he passed and now all day/night the word "recalcitrant" has been running across my mind...like some catchy melody...I just have to get it out...Is this perhaps what my blog is for...to purge all of the nonsense in my head...I could blog about how I have become a bit recalcitrant in my language. How I have never sworn in my life, but using one swear in a poem I wrote years ago was almost exhilarating and liberating...and how now, sadly enough, it has become a slippery slope...Not something to brag/brog about, yet nonetheless..."recalcitrant"!
Or is it that it helps cure/cause my insomnia...how I will wake up in the night, and the comforting glow of the computer screen reminds me that although my family is all snug as bugs and unable to keep me company...the blog world is always there for me...and suddenly, before I know it, I have been awake much longer than I should/would have if I had just waited it out on my own.
or how our stake president outed many of the blogging moms at our enrichment night...apparently he is collecting "research" and is able to keep his finger on the pulse of our stake through blog hoping...a bit of a scary thought...I am certainly glad he never mentioned my name that night...though it was all in great humour, I am definitely the fly-under-the-radar type.
or how it can be a real picker for a marriage...how many a time I will come across something on someone else's blog, only to confront my hubby about it later..."why don't you ever do this...(like so and so)" or "we should really do something like this"...I suppose it is no wonder Jeremy has a real disdain for blogs.
At any rate...for the month or so that I was blog-free (partially at least...as I would still blog-stalk)...I felt a sense of freedom...my days were my own, I wasn't cool or witty, I wasn't dumb or dorky, I was invisible again...ahhh bliss!!!
and yet I still enjoy and missed the camaraderie that comes with blogging...the humour, the outlet...the one and only true way a house wife/mom has to "socialize" at times, to become exposed to some of the "finer things" of life, to be inspired by someone else life", to feel as though you are not the only one that has days like that...
At any rate...the other day I did blog, and felt the twinge of self-analyzation return...so I pulled them...thinking I would more discreetly tuck them into my journal instead. Well, they are back up again for your reading pleasure. As I truly do believe that it is my blog and I can brog if I want to.
It is good to be back.